My Battle With Eating Disorders

This is a lengthy post. I mentioned in my previous post about not counting calories that I would write a detailed story on my eating disorder... here it is.
Feel free to skip this post if you find it triggering, boring, or just not something you're interested in.

Looking back, it is difficult to piece together the parts of this story. Half of me feels this is because the story is so complex- yet maybe it is because I have suppressed these thoughts and emotions. In any case, I will try my best to detail the tale in chronological order.

I was not health conscious growing up. School lunches were sandwiches, packaged chips and cakes. My favorite thing that I looked forward to was getting to buy my lunch on Fridays and get a popular school dessert- two cookies with a giant icing blob in between.


Me in 6th grade vs. me a few months ago, when I first started lifting. 

I admit, I ate better than most. My parents did not rely on frozen meals and we didnt eat out often. I did not obsess over sweets and soda wasn't a big deal (that is, until 4th or 5th grade came around and my mother and I discovered Sonic happy hour. Enter a daily 44oz coke and an extra 10lbs.)

While I never felt "fat", I remember being 9 or 10 and always "checking" myself in the mirror at school, looking at my side view and not liking my reflection. It wasn't until 6th-7th grade that I decided to take action and control my weight.

I began to use workouts from YouTube and magazines a few times a week. Exercise made me feel great and accomplished! No one in my family is very athletic, so my parents were doubtful I would stay with it. However, after they saw my commitment, they were very proud.

I read so many magazines with vague (and false) information regarding food and weight loss. Calories slowly became something I was aware of, and I very loosely watched what I ate.

Now here is when things become fuzzy. I remember stepping on the scale for fun, and seeing I had lost 12lbs. I think it was shortly after that when I really became passionate to lose weight.

At this time, my parents had yet to divorce. I was still in my own house, and already cut out red meat in 4th grade due to my sensitive stomach. I started to monitor what I ate, buying stupid "100 calorie packs" and special cereals. I worked out way too much and probably didn't eat enough, and my period had stopped.




Camping NOW vs THEN. I have curves people!! Get over it. The bottom picture was from a post I wrote last summer. Way too thin.

Things got really bad for me with my eating disorder once my mom left my dad (we went with her) and we were living with my aunt and cousins for nearly 6 months. My wonderful, tall, lean, beautiful cousin- whom gets compliments on her tiny waist, height, great curves and bright eyes EVERYWHERE she goes- was with me 24/7. I LOVE my cousin. But I also was (and still am) jealous of her great genetics. It was so hard for me to A) Already be under stress from my parents situation B) Have tons of school work and C) Be around someone who was taller, leaner, and (I thought) prettier than me although she didnt workout or care what she ate.

(DISCLAIMER: My eating disorder was NOT caused by my cousin, my parents or their divorce. It was my own, personal issues.)

This time was filled with lots of fake food, accompanied with exercise as compensation for eating. Not to mention binging on things like Nutella, cereal and birthday cake. My relationship with food was ruined. I associated food with being ugly, stressed and depressed.

After moving back into my house, I educated myself on the topic of "clean eating." I significantly improved the quality of my diet, but my broken relationship with food prevented me from really understanding the "clean" concept. Soon, I developed orthorexia. Divorce stress, school difficulties and personal insecurities- all paired with a very restrictive eating pattern- caused my weight (and health) to plummet.


Me at near my lowest weight. Smiling on the outside, dying on the inside. 

Going into my freshman year of highschool, I was nearly 90lbs (keep in mind I am 5' 5.5") My period was long gone, and had been for around 2.5 years. My hair was falling out, I wore two jackets because I was FREEZING all the time, I had zero energy and I was always moody.

I had been going to the doctor at least once a month, getting blood tests and asking why I was having awful stomach pains. My doctor finally told me she was sending me to the hospital... she was tired of seeing my weight drop with each checkup. I begged for one last chance to gain weight, and I also agreed to go to therapy.

My mother knew I wanted to do this the natural way, so she let me purchase a Hemp protein powder (I used the one from Manitoba Harvest... thanks guys, you kinda saved my life!) I made smoothies with them twice a day, and focused on eating more in general and getting over my "food fears" (oils, salt, sugar, ext) This was SO hard. I remember days that I would break down and cry because I did not want to eat. Some days, I would skip lunch at school and not tell anyone.


Me now. I feel SO much happier and healthier. 

Therapy, although humiliating at first, was the best decision I have ever made. I refused to take medication and my therapist completely supported that. She was so calm, understanding and really helped me see the subliminal and underlying causes of my food fears, body hatred, and my thoughts in general. I saw her for a year, and decided to stop going once I felt I had learned enough to help myself. I honestly don't think I would have ever "recovered"-I use that term loosely- without therapy.

During this time, I educated myself on REAL food and nutrition. I realized that most magazines, TV shows, books and conventional wisdom was completely false. I am still learning, but what I know now is far more accurate than what I knew two years ago.

Through SO much pain, trial and error and hardship, I feel better now than I have in a very long time. I recently stopped counting calories and my entire outlook on eating has shifted. I dont feel the urge to overeat nearly as often, and I experience much less "food guilt." I eat wholesome food. I eat when I am hungry, and if I crave something I am not afraid to have it.

Thank the lord for powerlifting. It has given me a new purpose.

Another factor that has greatly aided in my recovery is lifting weights. For quite a while I was a boney size 00, NOT due to genetics but from an eating disorder. Naturally, my body has always been a slender yet womanly shape just like my mother and grandmother.

In December I paid for my first gym membership and now have taken up powerlifting. My body changed quickly. Seriously, if you look at images from January to February, there is a difference! It has been difficult having to buy all new clothes and visually seeing myself as "bigger." But in truth, I have never felt or looked better.

Now I have muscle. I feel strong for the first time ever! Lifting weights has set me apart from the crowd in a wonderful, fullfilling way. I proudly broke up with the scale AND calories months ago, and now I focus on the weight on the barbell.

I dont want to say I am recovered, because I am not sure if that is possible. Dealing with my food issues and body dyspmorphia is a daily task. I do know that each day I can tell myself to STOP the disordered thoughts, is a success. I am not perfect, but I try my best and that is what counts.


Source

In the words of Brittany Dawn, I am an ED Solider.

Now I want to be a sponge and absorb factual information on wholesome, holistic nutrition as well as weight lifting. I want to educate others on how to properly eat and train-or, tell them how they SHOULDN'T do so- so that they won't have to learn the hard way like I did.

I will be pushed down. Sometimes I will be my own worst enemy. But I know that at the end of the tunnel, there is a bright light and a successful future that I will attain.

So that is my story. If anyone would like me to add detail to a specific area or has any questions, please tell me. I am not ashamed of my past.

Also, PLEASE feel free to message me if you or anyone you know is struggling with food or body issues.

Natalie

My First Self-Instructed Yoga Flow

Though I have been doing yoga for many years and am planning on obtaining my teaching certification after I raise enough funds, never had I strayed away from the instruction of another teacher during my practice. Always, I either have gone to a studio and enjoyed a live class, or used videos or pod-casts online or on DVDs.

I think it was the inner perfectionist inside that prevented me from ever taking the initiative to guide MYSELF during a practice, instead of listening to someone else. What if I did the asanas in the wrong order? What if I left something out, I didn't take enough breaths in a pose, or rushed the pose... pretty much any excuse that I could come up with to satisfy my nervous self, I used. 

I also think that a reason I couldn't even fathom the idea of not using an actual class as guidance, is because I felt that if I relied on myself... it wouldn't "really" count as being a "real" yoga flow. After all, who am I to feel out the sequence, when there are teachers who are experienced to do that? 

I know this goes against everything yoga is about. Yoga is NOT about relying on an outside source for guidance. Yoga is NOT about judging yourself, and your ability to feel and understand your body. Yoga IS about listening to your body. It IS about relishing in the moment, not being judgmental in any way, and taking life as it comes, being sure to enjoy the process of ups and downs and trust in the universe and it's constant stream of energy.  

Me thinking that I couldn't go without a video or classroom to embrace a flow of yoga is not only incredibly shallow minded, but also untrue. What makes me unable to put together a vinyasa for myself? Granted, things would be different if I no clue what I was doing, but I have been doing this sport for a while and am familiar with the usual sequence of things, and which poses I like to see in a class, ext. Yoga is not about being perfect. I am not perfect. So what is stopping me other than myself? 

This is what went down. 

By the way, this flow is NOT the flow I did on my recent Power Yoga workout video on Youtube. This happened before that.

I schedule my weight training workouts and yoga days in alignment with each other so that my yoga days act as active rest. While I was out of town visiting my grandmother and camping, I had it planned so that I would be doing yoga the day before we left for the camp grounds. In other words, we would still be located at my grandmothers house, therefor I expected to have internet connection and the ability to look up a yoga video.

This didn't happen. While my grandmother doesn't live in the woods or anything, she still lives in the country. Her computer doesn't work well, and even though my phone's wifi also messes up more than it works in this area, I rely on it for any videos I need. It's always a 50/50 chance if they're going to work. When I am doing weight training and a video decides to not load, I can always put together my own workout without thinking twice.I never had to do this with a yoga video, luckily.

However, come that morning, I pulled up the video on my phone and it failed to load. At first I panicked, as the thought of not having a voice of instruction scared me. But then, after thinking a bit and confiding in my family of the dilemma, I was convinced that I would be able to lead myself perfectly fine. So... I did! 

No music, no video, no pod cast. I took my mat outside, rolled it out, and started my Power Yoga sequence in the pure bliss of nature. I did not speak. I heard no other human voices. The only noise in my ears was the sounds of birds chirping, the breeze of the wind, and the pounding of my heart of depth of my breathing. It was beautiful. 

What was first a sequence I was nervous about, turned into a 75 minute flow that was invigorating, fast paced, challenging... and utterly produced from my own being. No teacher, no one to rely on to know when to move on to the next move... just me. 

The feeling I had after the flow was similar to pride, but very much different. It was not pride. I think it was the feeling of pure happiness, shock, and bliss. I was ECSTATIC about what I had just done. I was thrilled that I was able to conduct a flow all by myself. I was not prideful, exactly... I was just very, very grateful.

This experience has strengthened my belief that I want to become a yoga instructor. I felt the flow came so naturally, with such power and grace, that I can not wait to share this great joy with others. I know for sure that this is not the only time in which I will have a great realization, but it is definitely a start, and makes me excited to see what else is in store for me. 

From this, I came to a better understanding of what it means to trust in yourself. Yoga can be difficult at times, because it causes you to come face to face with your greatest fears and irrational thoughts. However, with dedication and time, these things can be overcome, and a new perspective is grown and adapted. This is what I love about yoga-it's never ending ability to be so personal to each individual and their needs at a specific time.  

For all the yoga instructors out there, or other practitioners, when was your first major realization of something? 

When was the first time you led your own sequence, or class, and how did it feel?

Any tips or words of wisdom that I, or other readers could benefit from are gladly appreciated! 

Natalie